Parenting a Child with ADHD

Table of Contents

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is the most common neurodevelopmental disorder in childhood. It affects 6.1 million children aged 2-17 years.¹ Most children with ADHD also have at least one other coexisting condition. The common coexisting conditions are:

• Learning disabilities
• Oppositional defiant disorder
• Depression
• Anxiety disorders
• Sleep disorders
• Autism Spectrum Disorders
• Tic disorders

How Does ADHD Affect Your Child?

ADHD is a chronic disorder and includes a combination of persistent symptoms. Research shows that ADHD is an impairment of the brain’s self-management system, which is the brain’s executive function. Executive function involves a person’s ability to pay attention, regulate emotion, organize, plan, be motivated, stay on task, process information, and monitor and control actions. Executive dysfunctioning, therefore, causes many symptoms in people with ADHD. Children with ADHD are generally more inattentive, hyperactive, and impulsive than expected for their age. 

Inattention

• Get sidetracked by external stimuli
• Have difficulty paying attention
• Forget things, even daily activities
• Have difficulty organizing, prioritizing, and focusing
• Have problems with starting, staying on, and completing tasks
• Show poor listening skills
• Lack flexibe thinking

Hyperactivity

• Squirms or fidgets, having trouble sitting still
• Move about, climb, or jump when it is inappropriate
• Lack abilities to engage in activities in a quiet manner
• Seem restless and always on the go

Impulsivity

• Interrupt conversations
• Say or do things without thinking
• Have trouble waiting or taking turns
• Talk excessively
• Speak out of turns

These excessive and persistent symptoms from deficits in executive function greatly impact children with ADHD. Children with ADHD often have poor performance at school, experience difficulty making friends, and struggle with low self-esteem. Many symptoms may continue into adulthood, causing an individual’s quality of life to suffer. Even though there is no treatment to cure ADHD, early diagnosis and intervention can make a huge difference in overcoming challenges and improving outcomes. 

How Does Your Child with ADHD Impact Your Family?

ADHD not only affects your child’s school performance and interpersonal relationships but also has a significant impact on your family. 

You and your spouse may disagree about your child’s treatment plan or battle over the rule of conduct in the family. These disagreements and arguments can put a strain on your marital relationship. They also diminish your ability to work together to reach the best decisions for your child.

Children with ADHD often do not pay attention or listen well. As a result, they often do not follow your instructions. They are disorganized and easily distracted, often keeping the rest of the family waiting. Children with ADHD also have trouble with memory and starting or finishing tasks and need constant reminders. Children who struggle with hyperactivity and impulsivity often exhibit behaviors that embarrass or frustrate their parents. Such behaviors include interrupting conversations, demanding attention in inappropriate settings, having trouble sleeping, speaking and acting without thinking, or causing injuries to themselves or others.  

Having a child with ADHD may also create challenges with your other children and put a strain on your relationships with your other children. They may not get as much attention from you as their sibling with ADHD. They may need to give up some opportunities because ADHD usually strains the family’s time and finances. You may inadvertently place higher expectations on them. As a result, their success may not get celebrated, but they receive more severe rebuke when failing. Your other children may also have personal struggles that get neglected or overlooked. 

How Can You Help Your Child and Family to Thrive?

Get an accurate diagnosis for your child.

At one point or another, everyone displays the same symptoms of ADHD, often, parents mistakenly think their kids are just behaving like kids. They may think their kids misbehave because they are simply trying to get attention, are feeling tired or moody, or are being difficult. They may think their kids will grow out of the misbehaviors as they mature. As a result, some kids miss the opportunity to get an early diagnosis and treatment help. It is critical to see a specialist and get a correct diagnosis if you are concerned that your kid may have ADHD. 

Since ADHD affects each individual differently, getting a comprehensive diagnosis for your child is vital. A comprehensive assessment can help rule out other disorders that mimic or co-occur with ADHD. Moreover, it gives you a clearer picture of how ADHD affects your child in different areas of life and helps you understand your child’s unique challenges.  

Stop self-blaming.

Yes, your home environment and your parenting style play an important role in improving or impeding your child’s ADHD symptoms. However, they do not cause your child’s ADHD. Stop blaming yourself, and instead focus your energy on how to help your child.

Educate yourself.

There is a plethora of information on ADHD, but not all of it is accurate or based on scientific research. If using the internet, make sure the information is from reputable websites such as government agencies, non-profit organizations, or universities. Your child’s doctor is a good start regarding diagnosis and treatment. Your doctor can refer you to a specialist such as a counselor, psychologist, development-behavioral therapist, or neurologist.  

Practice self-care.

Practice? Yes, practice. 

As a parent, especially a parent of a child with ADHD, you may overextend yourself without even realizing it. Therefore, you need to be intentional about caring for yourself because you set the tone for the family’s well-being. 

Keep things in perspective.

Remember your child’s behavior is mainly due to a disorder, not willful defiance. Keeping things in perspective lets you be more compassionate and understanding toward your child. This will help you remain calm and controlled when dealing with challenging situations. It helps you connect with your child to overcome the challenges.

Set realistic expectations.

Do not get hung up on small stuff. Let it go if your child gets ready for school on time but wears different colored socks. It is a learning process. Focus on your child’s progress rather than on what still needs improvement. Choose your battles wisely and be willing to make reasonable compromises. 

Take breaks.

It is normal to become impatient and short with people when we are tired or overwhelmed. Caring for a child with ADHD while managing the rest of the family can sometimes be overwhelming and exhausting. Therefore, it is crucial for you, as a parent, to take breaks from the  round-the-mill monotony of household management. Do not feel guilty about needing alone time away from your child. A change of pace and space will help you better prepare for the daily grind.

Receive others’ help. 

Accept people’s offer to watch your child and give you a break. You may be reluctant to leave your child with friends or other family members. You may be concerned about your child’s behavior or that the sitters won’t know what to do. Do not be afraid to accept their offer to help. Clearly communicate with them how to best handle your child. Also, prepare your child beforehand, letting them know what to expect. It will get easier each time. Moreover, it gives your child opportunities to practice social skills. 

Build a support network.

You can easily feel isolated and alone when caring for your child with ADHD. Remember that you are not in this alone. Please don’t be discouraged. Not only are many other parents facing the same challenges as you, but there is a lot of support available to help you through the parenting journey. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your child’s teachers, doctors, and therapists. They are there for you and your child and can offer strategies for your challenges.

Consider joining a parent support group. These groups offer discussion forums for parents of children with ADHD to give and receive advice. They also provide a space for parents to honestly share their struggles. There are also support groups for your child with ADHD. Some groups offer skill training while others may even provide childcare for parents, allowing them to attend to various errands. 

Establish and maintain structure and routine.

Everyday life becomes directionless and chaotic without structure or routine for everyone. This is especially true for children with ADHD. Children with ADHD are more likely to stay focused and complete tasks when activities take place in a predictable manner. Here are some tips to help you build structure and routine into daily life:

• Set a time and location for everything to help your child with ADHD stay organized and focused. For example, a quiet corner to do homework or read before dinner.
• Use timers and clocks to help your child with ADHD keep track of time and prepare for transitions between activities. 
• Establish daily rituals and schedules for meals, homework, bedtime, and other engagements. A structured home environment benefits the entire family.
• Keep your home organized. Every essential household item should have a place, so every family member knows where to find things. A neat and organized environment helps reduce wasted time and frustrations.

Don’t neglect your marriage.

It is easy to put your marriage on the back burner as you and your spouse focus your energy and time on your child with ADHD and other children. It is easy to take your spouse for granted and forget simple courtesies like greeting each other or expressing thankfulness. You may even ignore your spouse’s mood swings, thinking they will be fine because they are adults. Many couples lose touch with each other and slowly become strangers to one another. Some marriages are dissolved because of neglect. Therefore, couples must be intentional to liven up the marriage. Here are some suggestions:

• Make time for each other. Find a sitter or spend some alone time together at the end of the day.
• Maintain open and honest communications. Talk about your dreams, triumphs or setbacks, jokes, or sad stories. The conversation does not always have to be about the kids, finances, house chores, or work. 
• Seek professional help. Sometimes things can become too challenging to manage on your own. Marriage counseling provides a safe space for you and your spouse to talk about complicated feelings, and the counselor can also provide practical strategies to help you both manage stress. 

Pay attention to your other children.

Your other children may also feel neglected as your full attention is on your child with ADHD. They may become withdrawn and keep things to themselves because they believe their feelings or thoughts are unimportant. They may be reprimanded sharply for their mistakes, but their success goes unnoticed by you. They may be “forced” to grow up quickly and take on responsibility beyond their age. They may even harbor jealousy or resentment toward their sibling with ADHD. 

As a parent, you want to spend intentional time with your other children, time where they are the sole focus.. You must listen to them, attend to their needs, and help them pursue their dreams. You need to assure them of your unconditional love and support.  

Seek Help.

• Consider counseling 

Counseling gives you a safe space to process your feelings and talk about struggles. Counselors can offer ideas and strategies to help you manage everyday stress and learn communication skills with your loved ones. If you feel overly anxious, stressed, or depressed, consider seeking help from mental health professionals. 

• Find out if you have ADHD

Although the exact cause of ADHD is not yet identified, several genetic research studies have shown that ADHD is highly hereditary. When your own ADHD is undiagnosed or untreated, it will cause additional challenges in parenting a child with ADHD. Therefore, consider getting an evaluation for yourself and your spouse.

• Learn behavioral management techniques

Behavioral therapy is an effective treatment for children with ADHD. Learning and practicing behavioral management skills requires time and effort. However, it will lead to lasting benefits for the child and the family. Parent training will teach you skills and strategies to help your child with ADHD succeed at school, improve home behaviors, and build relationships with others. (Source: Finding the right therapy for your child)

Push the pause button.

Take an evening off from your regular schedule and spend time together as a family. Go out for a walk as a family after dinner or have ice cream on a hot summer night. Your family’s unity and harmony should be your first priority. Sometimes you need to stop pushing yourself, your child, or the rest of the family, and simply push the pause button.

Concluding Remarks

Parenting a child with ADHD is a delicate balancing act. As a parent, you need to balance between:

• Compassion & Discipline 

Demonstrate your love and affection to your child but dispense proper discipline when needed.

• Flexibility & Structure 

Maintain structure and routine in everyday activities and yet remain flexible without being rigid.

• Guidance & Direction 

Give clear, pointed directions to avoid confusion, but offer choices and graciously guide your child to the right choice if they are overwhelmed with the options. 

• Gentleness & Firmness

Follow through with consequences gently yet firmly when your child disobeys. 

Like all other parenting, parenting a child with ADHD is a journey. Your journey, however, may take you through more uphill courses requiring more time, effort, and energy. It may take longer for you to reach your destination. But take heart, you WILL reach your destination. When you do, when you see your child grow up to be an independent and mature adult, and you wouldn’t trade your journey with anyone else. After all, it is a journey you travel with your child. It is YOUR journey. 

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1. CDC. (2020, September 9). National Prevalence of ADHD and Treatment. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/features/national-prevalence-adhd-and-treatment.html