What comes to your mind when hearing the word etiquette?
You may picture a banquet, a ceremony, or a royal dance in your mind. You may relate the word to a set of rules you must follow to behave yourself in formal settings.
Though the word etiquette may seem formal, it just means basic manners and proprieties in everyday social interactions with others. Therefore, disability etiquette means the customary manners and politeness needed when interacting with people with disabilities.
Why do we even need to talk about disability etiquette specifically?
The reason is that too many of us make rude and wrong assumptions about people with disabilities. Too many people in society today cannot see past the disability label. If we can see the person for who he or she is but not the disability the person has, if we can treat every person we meet with the same respect, then we will not need to talk about disability etiquette specifically. The etiquettes remain the same for every person we come in contact with.
General Do’s and Don’ts
Search for common ground. Common ground helps dissolve the initial discomfort. It further builds connections and understanding. For example, you may feel curious or even annoyed when a group of deaf people occupies the front row seats in a public speaking event. Rather than thinking about how different they are, find common ground. They have the same need as you – to understand the speaker. Sitting in front lets them see the sign language interpreter clearly so their information needs can be met. Common ground provides a pathway for us to be empathetic and build relationships.
Relax and be yourself. Do not be overly self-conscious when around people with disabilities. Interact and converse with them as you would with anyone else. Make the most of the opportunity to know them. And if you stumble at some point, apologize and move on.
Do not assume anything. Our assumptions are most often unfounded and wrong. Stereotypical assumptions usually result in misunderstanding and cause hurt to people with disabilities.
- Do not assume what a person with disabilities can or cannot do. Always get to know the person first.
- Do not assume what a person with disabilities can or cannot understand. Always be respectful and considerate when interacting with people with disabilities. People with social disabilities may not seem to listen to you. But, more often than not, they do listen and understand what you are saying.
- Do not assume people with disabilities need your help or that you know what they need. Always ask first before you offer assistance. Many people with disabilities are capable of caring for themselves. They live with disabilities. They have practiced and figured out how to carry on daily tasks without help. They know their own capabilities and limitations.
Speak to the person directly. Speak to the person with disabilities directly, not his or her interpreter, attendant, or caregiver who accompanies or assists the person.
Remember common courtesies and be respectful. Treat adults like adults. Be mindful of your voice, tone, pitch, and choice of words.
Show compassion, not pity. Don’t pity or discount people with disabilities. Disability does not mean inability.
Each one of us has needs. Some of our needs are universal. For example, we all need food, water, shelter, clothing, and transportation. We all need to love and respect others and be loved and respected by others.
Some needs are unique to the individual, but they are not anything “special.” People with disabilities do not need “special treatment” or pity. They need compassion, understanding, and adequate accommodation to live full lives with their disabilities.
Avoid intrusive questions. Would you go up to an obese person and ask, “Why are you so overweight?” Then, do not go up to a person using a wheelchair and ask, “Why can’t you walk?” Intrusive questions are not only rude but hurtful. Curiosity does not justify inappropriate and nosy questions. Remember, do not ask questions to people with disabilities that you would not ask people without disabilities in the same context.
Watch your language.
Use people-first language.
- If you know the person and have a certain level of familiarity, use the person’s first name.
- If you know the person’s name but lack familiarity, use “Mr.”, “Mrs.” or “Miss” with the person’s last name.
- If you don’t know the person’s name, refer to the person first and then to his or her disabilities when appropriate or relevant. For example, “a boy with autism,” “a girl with Down syndrome,” “Jane uses a walker,” “John uses hearing aids,” “Nikki has cerebral palsy,” or “an individual with multiple disabilities.”
Use identity-first language.
- On the other hand, many disability self-advocacy groups prefer identity-first language. For example, people in the Deaf community consider themselves a unique cultural and linguistic minority. They would prefer “a Deaf person” rather than “someone who has impaired hearing.”
- The identity-first language emphasizes that the disability is part of what the person is. You cannot separate the person from his or her disability.
- The best policy? When in doubt, ask! Ask the individual with a disability whether he or she prefers people-first or identity-first language.
Avoid disrespectful and condescending language.
- Avoid offensive or outdated terms like “retarded,” “imbecile,” “crippled,” or “crazy.”
- Avoid euphemisms like “special needs” or “differently-abled.”
- Avoid expressions that lead to pity like “victim of,” “suffers from,” or “afflicted with.”
- Avoid language that portrays people with disabilities as “exceptional,” “overly brave,” or “super-human.” This use of language serves no purpose and can be patronizing to people with disabilities.
- Avoid using the word “normal” to refer to non-disabled people. Instead, use “typical” or “individuals without disabilities.”
- Avoid phrases that focus on limitations like “wheelchair-bound” or “being confined to a wheelchair.” Rather, say, “He uses a wheelchair.”
Our language constantly evolves because our understanding of the world, society, selves, and interpersonal relationships continues to change and develop. This is the same with disability-related language. The rule of thumb is always to be kind, respectful, and considerate toward others.
Prioritize accessibility. When planning an event or activity, consider the needs of people with disabilities ahead of time. Reach out and ask what they need. Make every effort to accommodate their needs so they can fully participate.
People with Mobility Disabilities
- People using a wheelchair consider it an extension of their bodies and personal space. Do not lean on someone’s wheelchair or hang things on it.
- Do not touch someone’s assistive mobility equipment, i.e., wheelchair, walker, cane, etc., without asking first.
- When conversing with someone in a wheelchair, place yourself at the person’s eye level.
- Do not pat the head of the person in a wheelchair.
- Speak directly to the person in a wheelchair, not to his or her companion or caregiver.
- People who use mobility devices like crutches, canes, or walkers depend on their arms for balance. Avoid touching them or moving things around them unexpectedly.
People with Speech Disabilities
- Do not interrupt or rush the other person. Be patient and give the person extra time to communicate.
- Do not try to finish the other person’s sentences.
- Give the other person your full attention.
- Listen carefully and attentively. If you do not understand the other person, kindly ask the person to repeat. You can also repeat what he or she said back for verification.
- If the conversation is not working, explain to the other person honestly and suggest other ways to communicate, i.e., using pen and paper or electronic communication devices.
People who are Blind or Visually Impaired
- Identify yourself before a conversation.
- Let the other person know when you leave the conversation.
- When someone needs assistance, give clear, specific, and non-visual instructions.
- When serving as a guide, offer your arm or shoulder instead of pulling the other person’s arm or pushing from the back.
- When serving as a guide, ensure the other person is aware of the setting, environment, or obstacles.
- Walk on the side opposite the other person’s guide dog or assistive devices.
- Refrain from distracting a service dog. Service dogs have been trained hard to support and protect their handlers. Touching or talking to them distracts them from their responsibilities, which can harm their handlers. Always ask the handler if you could touch or talk to the service dog first.
- Make sure the surroundings are well-lit.
People who are Deaf or Hard of Hearing
- Before starting a conversation, get the person’s attention first. You can gently tap on the person’s shoulder or arm or wave your hand.
- Face the person when you speak, and make sure there is adequate light.
- Speak in a normal tone and voice.
- Speak clearly and distinctly.
- Avoid the urge to repeat yourself if the person does not respond right away.
- If the other person cannot understand you, try to rephrase what you said clearly and succinctly.
- Engage facial expressions, body language, or gestures to communicate.
- Speak to the person directly, even if a sign language interpreter is present.
People with Developmental Disabilities
- Speak to the person directly, not his or her caregiver.
- Be kind and patient even if the person does not seem to understand you or respond.
- Use simple words and clear sentences.
- Speak clearly with a proper tone and voice.
- Use concrete concepts. Refrain from speaking in abstracts.
- Move conversations to a quiet place with minimal distractions.
- Minimize sensory inputs from the surrounding environment.
- Be patient and allow extra time for the other person to respond.
- Avoid talking about the person when he or she is present.
The Golden Rule
Please don’t overthink when being around people with disabilities so that you tiptoe around them. Disability etiquette can be summed up with the Golden Rule: Do to others what you want them to do to you. Do you want others to be courteous and kind to you? Then treat people with disabilities with courtesy and respect. Do you want to be treated with consideration and respect? Then be considerate and respectful to people with disabilities.